I've been very sad lately. And frustrated. I haven't written anything in forever. I suppose you could say I'm afraid of making a bad blog post. I would like to tell myself that I write solely for myself - but I don't. I DO write for myself, but I also write in the hopes that someone else will see it and like what I've written. I guess it's silly, but there's no harm in hoping that someone out there will one day continually read this, right?
My frustrations are stemming from a certain person who will remain unnamed, but if you at least have vaguely heard of the situation at one point in your life, it's easy to find out who I'm talking about. I've known this guy for four years. We were on and off interested in each other (or at least I was on and off interested in him), but he was always sketchy about his relationships. Not to mention the fact that my best friend at the time was also very, very much interested in him, too. It was more him and her that had a semi-relationship, but she eventually found out he was talking to several other girls, many of them in the...fifteen-ish range, when he was about twenty-four. Kiiiiinda awkward. ANYWAY, so we all got over that and became friends again, but then he started flirting with me. Still at least vaguely interested in him, and thinking the one friend had stopped talking to him and didn't care, I flirted back. She cared. Although I don't regret losing her friendship at all, a big part of not being her friend was the blow-up fight we had over him. I didn't care if she wanted him for herself / didn't want me talking to him / whatever. After I found out that he had been talking to both of us at the same time, it was far too shady for me and I wanted no part in it.
We're talking again. WELL, I must admit that we never really stopped talking as friends. And let me just clear this up right now: he and I are JUST friends. I may very well have been a terrible girlfriend to my past ex, but there should be no question as to my faithfulness and my commitment to Blake. This guy and I are just very casual friends (there are times when we go months without talking).
As a matter of fact, I'm considering cutting him out of my life again, at least for a while. He just does this...thing, where it's not really flirting, but it kind of implies flirting. Does that make sense? I honestly can't give you any examples, I don't have any recent texts from him, but it's just...weird. It's almost as if he's trying to play me, but he thinks that I still have feelings for him, so it's working. But I don't, and it's not. And he plays oblivious whenever I confront him about it. And maybe he is oblivious to what he's doing. But he clearly at least has some feelings for me, as small as they may be, and it shows. And I've talked to him about toning it down. I am relieved that at least it's not that often, and we're allowed to mostly talk in a completely platonic manner, but occasionally there's some things he'll say that will reek of "I'm going to try and make you think I have feelings for you and am missing you in a text so that maybe you'll guilt-trip or starting thinking that you miss me and you can fall back into your old routine of being a lying cheater but really I probably don't have any feelings for you whatsoever and am just the casual playboy I have generally been in the past."
I would love for us to be just friends. I don't want anything more from him. And it would suck to lose him completely, as he's a delightful, charming, and intelligent person to be around. But I don't want him to want me to be his girlfriend. I want him to want me to be his friend, and nothing more. And I guess if I can't trust that he wants just that, then that will have to be the end of it. I'm not willing to compromise my relationship with Blake in any way.
