I've been very sad lately. And frustrated. I haven't written anything in forever. I suppose you could say I'm afraid of making a bad blog post. I would like to tell myself that I write solely for myself - but I don't. I DO write for myself, but I also write in the hopes that someone else will see it and like what I've written. I guess it's silly, but there's no harm in hoping that someone out there will one day continually read this, right?
My frustrations are stemming from a certain person who will remain unnamed, but if you at least have vaguely heard of the situation at one point in your life, it's easy to find out who I'm talking about. I've known this guy for four years. We were on and off interested in each other (or at least I was on and off interested in him), but he was always sketchy about his relationships. Not to mention the fact that my best friend at the time was also very, very much interested in him, too. It was more him and her that had a semi-relationship, but she eventually found out he was talking to several other girls, many of them in the...fifteen-ish range, when he was about twenty-four. Kiiiiinda awkward. ANYWAY, so we all got over that and became friends again, but then he started flirting with me. Still at least vaguely interested in him, and thinking the one friend had stopped talking to him and didn't care, I flirted back. She cared. Although I don't regret losing her friendship at all, a big part of not being her friend was the blow-up fight we had over him. I didn't care if she wanted him for herself / didn't want me talking to him / whatever. After I found out that he had been talking to both of us at the same time, it was far too shady for me and I wanted no part in it.
We're talking again. WELL, I must admit that we never really stopped talking as friends. And let me just clear this up right now: he and I are JUST friends. I may very well have been a terrible girlfriend to my past ex, but there should be no question as to my faithfulness and my commitment to Blake. This guy and I are just very casual friends (there are times when we go months without talking).
As a matter of fact, I'm considering cutting him out of my life again, at least for a while. He just does this...thing, where it's not really flirting, but it kind of implies flirting. Does that make sense? I honestly can't give you any examples, I don't have any recent texts from him, but it's just...weird. It's almost as if he's trying to play me, but he thinks that I still have feelings for him, so it's working. But I don't, and it's not. And he plays oblivious whenever I confront him about it. And maybe he is oblivious to what he's doing. But he clearly at least has some feelings for me, as small as they may be, and it shows. And I've talked to him about toning it down. I am relieved that at least it's not that often, and we're allowed to mostly talk in a completely platonic manner, but occasionally there's some things he'll say that will reek of "I'm going to try and make you think I have feelings for you and am missing you in a text so that maybe you'll guilt-trip or starting thinking that you miss me and you can fall back into your old routine of being a lying cheater but really I probably don't have any feelings for you whatsoever and am just the casual playboy I have generally been in the past."
I would love for us to be just friends. I don't want anything more from him. And it would suck to lose him completely, as he's a delightful, charming, and intelligent person to be around. But I don't want him to want me to be his girlfriend. I want him to want me to be his friend, and nothing more. And I guess if I can't trust that he wants just that, then that will have to be the end of it. I'm not willing to compromise my relationship with Blake in any way.
Don't forget that I get the very first copy of your very first album! Since the economy stinks, why not just start sending in demo tapes, and give the music career a shot?
ReplyDeleteMaking a bad blog post, is like worrying about writing a book about your own life and taking the humanity out of who you are so that you appear so perfect, that you are soul less.
I just signed up. I'm you're first follower! "Hey Jesus!", "Hey, Jesus!"
Seriously, relationships are hard for everyone at some point. It's just a matter of time. It's good you and Blake are still making an attempt at friendship. Even if two people decide that it's best that they not be together anymore, you can't just "un-attract" yourself from someone, so based on that, physical attraction will probably always remain. Flirtation at some point will always carry on most likely, from either him or you at times. I think that's normal.
Gonna make this part quick. I'm not sure what country you are from but in the US, 15 years old is not legal. There's the saying 15 will get you 20. As in 20 years in jail.
Gorgeous picture, is this New Zealand, maybe? I'm serious about the first copy of your first album. I've never met anyone who sings as well as you do and wasn't already popular, so it's pretty cool. This must be how Columbus felt when he first landed in the Americas............right before he saw the first Native American. :)
Watch this video, and tell me if you'd consider learning this song, unless it's just completely not your taste.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1yttw_feist-one-evening_music
I'll give you 5 bucks if you learn this before December 2012. :) Actually, you would have my undying gratitude. I love this song,and your voice, so it's a perfect match. Great song + great voice = a happy camper
Oh, Blake and I are still together. I'm not sure where you got that idea, haha! We've been together for almost a year and have no intentions of breaking up any time soon. :] The anonymous guy is just an old friend of mine who I feel tries to interfere with my relationship with Blake.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the music industry is concerned, we've been considering it. Blake and I actually have a lot of connections, surprisingly. We'd just have to buckle down and get to it, if we ever decided on going through with it. I'll work on the song!
"I may very well have been a terrible girlfriend to my past ex, but there should be no question as to my faithfulness and my commitment to Blake. This guy and I are just very casual friends (there are times when we go months without talking)."
ReplyDeleteIt was late when I read this. Got it now. You and Blake should take advantage of those music opportunities. "Tomorrows" don't come in a limitless supply. You don't want to be down the road with 3 kids thinking, "shoulda coulda woulda".
Thanks for the song. I can't believe you're going to actually do the song. :) Love Feist, I could eat her like a cinnamon roll. Can't wait to hear you sing it. I know it's a bit different than what you normally sing, but I'm betting you can nail it over time. May take a glass of Cabernet to get there. You know she's all sultry when she's singing that one. :)